TripAdvisor: Emmerdale survival event and Coronation Street Halloween party get 0 stars

One unlucky tourist has had a week from hell after paying a visit to events held in Leeds and Manchester Metro.co.uk has discovered.

Cal Ahmighty, from somewhere down South, had taken annual leave from his job as a piano duster and had a full diary of exciting adventures.

He planned to head to the countryside where the village of Emmerdale was holding a survival event and then move on to Manchester to kick the Halloween period off in style with a street party put on by an up and coming bistro.

However, as his Trip Advisor reviews have shown, he hasn’t had the best experience.

Emmerdale survival event was anything but

Having bought a brand new backpack from Mountain Warehouse (other adventure kit stores are available, despite the economic situation), I was all packed and ready to go out of my comfort zone and brave the challenges of an outdoor event.

While the prize of champagne was a paltry offering as a reward (bubbles give me acid reflux, I am more of a port man), I didn’t let that impact my score or my expectations.

Things started off well. The owner of Home Farm had got the architects in to expand her ground by 20,000 acres especially for it all – having even installed custom built waterfalls.

HOP! had a lovely welcoming committee too – a lovely lady called Meena offered to take my safety harness and check it was completely safe. Afterwards it was just a HOP!, skip and a jump to the activities.

This is where it started to go wrong. Despite Meena’s best efforts (she was wearing pigtails and is a great singer so I can forgive her as she clearly meant no harm), my harness was deeply unreliable as I abseiled down a cliff.

This made me nervous as I had read the newspaper stories about a lady called Rachel Hughes having been murdered on this spot.

Luckily my total skillz (young speak for skills) meant I arrived safely at the bottom. But I will be having strong words with the health and safety officer.

Not only this, but there appeared to be no wooden bridge to take me across to the next event. I swore I could hear screaming below me but I imagine it was just a seagull.

I had to take the long way round and met two bumbling idiots arguing about little Red Riding Hood and a strange Scottish man crying at a lake because a pebble was thrown in.

This was no fun at all. There appeared to be a lot of soft terrain in this woodland, and it made me fear that bodies (yes, plural) had been buried in here.

Home Farm seems to be a place with many secrets – and a lot of maize.

I at least tried out to find my way through there but when I expertly made it to the middle, there was no bloody prize. All of that for nothing.

There was no point even firing the flare gun so I left it there and stormed out.

I also found it a bit hot as I emerged and have no idea why the temperature had suddenly changed.

But I emerged soaked in sweat, bereft of a prize and having to push past three panicking lads, shouting like utter yobs and chasing their own tails.

An absolute travesty. Would not recommend. I felt like death after that whole experience.

Owner response: Frankly, I don’t care about your opinion or your theatrics, Colin. I have a huge property, lots of land, plenty of money and drug addicted racehorse; I don’t need your validation. I have had plenty of bad reviews before and let’s just say they are not around to ask for a compensatory voucher.

I still have your address on file from your booking so once I have finished sorting out this mess here, one of my colleagues will…pay you a visit to straighten this out.

-Kim.

Coronation Street’s Halloween Party was a total washout

I headed to Manchester having checked a weather report from Michael Fish and couldn’t believe that there was going to be blissful sunshine for the Halloween event.

My costume at the ready (I was going to dress as a needle to scare anti vaxxers), I headed off only to soon be soaked to the bone due to torrential rain.

While I can’t exactly blame the organiser Debbie Webster for the weather, I can certainly blame her for the lack of shelter available and the terrible dancing from the wordless revellers. No idea why they didn’t speak to me, one of them wrote down that it would cost Debbie an extra £100 if they had a ‘line’ which led me to the worrying conclusion that this was some sort of drugs party.

Speaking of drugs, it was soon revealed that a nearby collision meant that both a drugs baron was on the loose AND the local corner shop was closed meaning that I couldn’t pop in for a Ginsters Cornish Pasty (other pastry encased items are available, despite the state of the economy).

It was hard to get a drink as all of the staff were running around like banshees and every time I wanted to lodge a complaint with Debbie, she just told me that the event was now open and ran away again, with a rather tasteless looking umbrella.

I decided to make the most of some of the attractions and so wandered around only for a man dressed as a mummy to leap out and ask my why mummies covered themselves in toilet paper anyway.

My needle costume was becoming uncomfortable so when I found a much more appropriate wolf mask I headed out – but someone dressed as Little Red Riding Hood ripped it off of me. Rude. She gave the impression that she was ‘packing heat’ too – whatever that means. I assume she had a hot water bottle with her which was no bad idea in this weather.

There were electrical issues throughout due to a faulty generator evidently bought second hand on eBay and I couldn’t for the life of me find the toilets.

I asked a woman for help but then saw that she had her mouth covered with duck tape. She was looking at me wide eyed and gesturing which made me uncomfortable.

A while later, I found a hole in the ground which I assumed was meant to pass for toilet festivities but as I relieved myself in there, I swear I heard Will Mellor swearing below. I must have imagined it.

Anyway, the thought of it cheered me up but as soon as I started to have a good time, we were all told to evacuate the area.

Of course, I couldn’t find anyone to complain to – they must have fled underground to the sewers like the rats they are.

I didn’t even get a refund. Appalling. Do not recommend. The scariest thing about this experience was the poor service.

Owner response: Look luvveh, I know that this event had more holes in it than swiss cheese but I actually feel you have come across as a bit rude.

I made it very clear that the event was going ahead so if you chose to listen to that Platt boy and left early then that’s on you. I’ll have you know, I am an accomplished events organiser.

Tell yer what, I noticed the brakes of your car seemed a bit dodgy, so I can get my brother Kevin to take a look at it for free for you.

Please just take this review down, I have a reputation to keep intact.

-Debbie.

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